by Natalie Compton
Do you have too much information to consume? No worries! While studiously scanning the pages of your world history book, simultaneously listen to a chemistry textbook on tape or a Spanish podcast—two birds, one stone. For the other material you have left to memorize, hire someone with a sonorous voice to read your slumbering self all of the notes you’ve taken over the semester. You’ll wake up enlightened and more refreshed than if you had pulled an all-nighter.
If sleeping isn’t an option, you’re probably worried about time on the decline. For the best results, skip the middleman. Instead of voraciously chugging energy drinks, fill up an I.V. bag full of Red Bull, Rock Star, Red Lines and any other taurine/guarana-filled beverage of your choice and hook that bad boy into a nervously pulsing vein.
Much more efficient, the I.V. method eliminates time wasted on a) opening your mouth periodically b) drinking the caffeinated elixir, c) swallowing the fizzy drink and d) repeating until can is empty. The old way isn’t just inefficient; at the frantic rate you guzzle the carbonated caffeine, you run a high risk of choking.
Hopefully you survive this four-day week of high blood pressure and ulcers. Maybe next year you might even think to start your studying endeavors a little earlier.